It is 11 O’clock at night and my whole family is asleep. The house is so quiet this time of night, the whole neighborhood is…what a rare gift. I wonder how many gifts I am missing out on each day, hand placed for me to enjoy? Wow I get introspective with a fever...hope you enjoy. It gives me time to think though..... I have been thinking lately about the noise rushing around and in my brain and I realize I need more quiet and maybe more fever or something like it. It slows me down and helps me to remember the gratefulness of health that I so quickly forget. There is a frog talking outside my window and the wind is blowing. Even though I feel terrible, I have so much to be thankful for and so much that is good. It’s so easy to look at what's not good isn’t it?.. The lord has given me a great gift in this good and sometimes hard season in Bolivia. Stillness and hiddenness. There is something really painful and lonely about planting roots in another country, away from everything you know, your’ friends and family. Sometimes it’s a sacrifice that feels very difficult, thankfully only sometimes. You can't transplant yourself or plant yourself without exposing the bad roots in yourself. Maybe thats why so many of us are afraid to stay too long in one place..Yikes I NEED to sit with that one for a moment.
The lord has been so kind to let me expose my roots and heart. Last week as I was in line to go into the prison I saw something that greatly offended me, let me reframe that, that I chose to let greatly offend me. My first desire was to immediately tell my friend and then proceed to pridefully puff myself up while talking about how awful what they were doing was. Then I could have hand picked a perfect post to share with you about the beautiful work we do inside the prison and how great we are at loving. I am not trying to be to harsh on myself, I just want to be honest with myself and my heart and let's be honest for a sec...... I am sure I have done that very thing. Forgive me my heart while I am becoming more like Jesus friends, It's a beautiful and hard long road to die so you can live and I am still dying haha. Man is God gracious to kindly show me my heart. The lord spoke to me in that line “Is that the gift you want to give to your friend, your offense? Is that how you want to prepare her to go into the prison to love on your friends inside".....well that is not fun to hear at all…..and.... there's more “Sweet girl, those ladies don’t know me and how could you expect them to act like they know who they are in me, like they are whole and beloved. YOUR heart is offensive to me in this moment” I was gutted, so humbled. And It was truth. It was a hard week, I cried and was humbled by a lot this week. What a good father, God did so much good in my heart this week amidst the hard. The miracles aren’t always God multiplying cement and healing the sick, though how beautiful they are. The miracle is also that the God of the universe would love me enough to show me my heart and help me tear up a root that holds no good fruit in my life. What an honor that he loves me that much. Now to bed, will you pray for me, thanks friends. He is a good father and we are his Beloved....